Upon retiring, many men tend to lose their social circles. Anticipating this loss, I realized I needed to learn how to mitigate this fate.
While searching the medical and scientific literature for a solution to this problem, I became aware that the most important determinant of one’s happiness is having many “meaningful social relationships” and that there is “strong evidence that social relationships influence health and longevity…”
This knowledge impressed upon me the imperative of expanding my circle of male friendships, and I thus directed my retirement energies toward expanding my social circle.
Regrettably, to date, my efforts could best be described as having limited success.
To better understand my predicament—my failure to significantly expand my circle of friends—I decided to put my experiences and thoughts to paper, hoping to learn something about myself in the process.
The Data
Numerous scientific studies have found that the both the quality and quantity of meaningful social relationships are the most important determinant of one’s happiness. They also beneficially impacting one’s cognitive health, mental health, physical health, longevity, and a sense of fulfillment.
With this newfound understanding, upon retiring in December 2022, I decided that I must prioritize augmenting my social circle, especially with male friends as well as my meaningful social relationships.
My Quest for Meaningful Social Relationships
Somerville Council On Aging Activities
I began my quest by attending the Somerville Council On Aging’s weekly walk and their monthly men’s brunch, even though both activities were well outside my comfort zone. After a few months, it was apparent that neither of these activities had the requisite depth to evolve into the types of relationships I was looking for, so I abandoned both activities.
MIT Alumni Pickleball
I then organized an alumni pickleball league at MIT’s Rockwell Cage, attracting 12 attendees. However, the event’s structure left little time for socializing, limiting the potential for expanding my social circle. In the future, I hope to rectify these design flaws, and I plan to encourage the attendees to meet-up at a nearby bakery upon the conclusion of our session.
MIT Club of Boston Lectures
After retiring I began to attend lectures sponsored by MIT Club of Boston. I would describe these lectures as “science by the experts and for the educated public.” Although I met a few interesting MIT alumni at the hors d’oeuvre session that followed each lecture, initiating conversations with a stranger, networking, has never been my forte. That is an understatement. I would literally prefer to leave the venue rather than endure the discomfort of “networking.”
Not surprisingly, my attendance at these lectures did not result in subsequent interactions with any attendee.
As there is ample scientific data that “talking with strangers” is always more productive than not, I now understand that I must push myself out of my comfort zone, as the risk/benefit analysis is all benefit and no (real) risk.
My RemBrunch Group
A few months after retiring, I created a RemBrunch (Relatively Elderly Men’s Brunch) group. We met monthly at a local cafe for one hour and quickly discovered shared interests among the attendees.
Over time, some members dropped out due to other commitments, and one moved away. Two members, who have summer cottages up north, were unable to attend during the summer, preventing us from meeting since we required a quorum of three.
I hope to resume our meetings in September, and I believe the group will succeed if I can find about six committed retired men who live nearby and are willing to meet every one or two weeks.
During the research phase of my investigation into retirement, I became aware that most male friendships are precipitated by, or revolve around, an activity of mutual interest. This is in distinction to female friendships, which are characterized by face-to-face friendships, which tend to exchange more personal and emotionally relevant information. Thus, the female-female friendships tend to be more durable than the male friendships.
Maybe I should restructure my RemBrunch group around an activity? Or maybe I need to make the RemBrunch group gender inclusive?
Despite spending a considerable amount of time thinking about my RemBrunch group, I remain uncertain what I should do to improve the quality and durability of my the group.
Our Shoot the Shit Salon
Gail and I hosted a “Shoot the Shit Salon” for our neighbors during the 2023 summer and fall, inviting them over for a spontaneous and informal chat on Fridays from 5:30 to 7 PM. On most Fridays, 1-5 people would join us.
These sessions strengthened my relationship with several of my neighbors, and, in particular, one male neighbor who is now a member of my RemBrunch group.
I had hoped to resume our weekly Shoot the Shit Salon during the summer of 2024, but succeeded in having only two sessions (both entertaining and educational) as we had prior social commitments on most Fridays.
It’s not yet clear to me whether I will resume our Shoot the Shit Salon in 2025, but if I do, I need a hook to draw people in. Maybe the hook should be a proposed topic of conversation for each gathering. This remains to be determined.
My ReeBrunch Group
Leveraging my connection with the MIT community, I ran an announcement in the MIT Club of Boston newsletter seeking participants to:
“Join our monthly ‘RetiRees Brunch’ (ReeBrunch) to discuss ideas, life’s adventures, and personal quandaries, drawing on the rich life experience of all attendees.”
Much to my surprise, nine people signed up within 48 hours, meeting our quota of ten only a few days later. I now have a waitlist.
The enthusiastic response has convinced me that there are many highly educated retirees, like myself, who are seeking opportunities to expand their social circle.
Our first meeting will take place next month, where we will discuss our goals and procedures.
Why Have I Failed to Expand My Social Circle?
Despite my diligent efforts, I’ve found it challenging to expand my social circle, perhaps because I am unwilling to venture too far outside of my comfort zone?
Cycling as Meditation and Not Too Fast
For example, Gail suggested that I join a cycling group. But I didn’t.
I explained that my thrice-weekly, two-hour cycling sessions on the Minuteman Bikeway are my “meditation”. These rides, accompanied by music, an audiobook, or silence, provide a unique emotional catharsis and foster creative thinking, making them an invaluable part of my routine, which I am hesitant to alter.
Riding in a peloton is a communal activity during which people ride in pairs and have conversations. This setup would prevent me from allowing my mind to wander, losing myself in an audiobook, and absorbing the ambiance or solitude of the ride.
Furthermore, many cycling groups are composed of cyclists who are 3, 4, and 5 decades younger than I, who maintain a brisk cycling pace of 15-17 mph, well beyond my languid pace of 12 mph, and likely beyond my abilities.
The prospect of joining a cycling group is daunting for both personal and practical reasons. Maybe joining a cycling group is simply too far outside of my comfort zone for good and valid reasons. Or maybe I should just try it.
Theatrical Involvement, But Not Too Much
I had considered joining a weekly Cambridge Council on Aging – sponsored play reading group but decided against it because:
- The weekly sessions are too much of a time commitment.
- I am uncomfortable being the only male participants.
- Performing as an “actor,” [i.e. reader] is so far outside my comfort zone that I cannot even envision it happening.
So for now, I have (irrationally) concluded that the risks of attending this play reading forum are too great a stretch for me. But, maybe, in the future, I will reconsider.
Maybe I am a “Natural Loner” and Do Not Need More Friends
The 2020 National Academies report Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults introduced the concept of “naturally loners,” people with few social contacts who do not feel lonely.
This demographic, the natural loners, resonates with me, as I often prefer to prioritize my solo activities (cycling, woodworking, and writing) over socially engaging activities.
For example, I am planning a solo, 6-7 day, cross-country drive with my two dogs and a trunk filled with some of Gail and my artwork. I will arrive on the West Coast in time to attend my granddaughter’s first birthday.
I considered asking a friend I have known for four decades if he would want to join me for the westward leg of this trip. But I didn’t act on the idea.
I then mentioned to a friend I have known for five decades that I was making the trip. He asked if he could join me on the drive to California. I declined.
I have been thinking about why I did not jump on either of these opportunities for “male bonding.”
Ultimately I rationalized that:
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- The car will be too full with 2 dogs and stuff for my kids
- Because of the dogs, I might need to sleep in the car some nights
- I want to be able to alter my travel plans on a whim
- I preferred this be an “introspective adventure” as opposed to a bonding experience
My response to these events leads me to conclude that maybe I am one of the “natural loners,” and it is not clear to me if this demographic would benefit from expanding its social circle.
This conclusion surprised me, given the effort I’ve put into generating more male friendships and meaningful social relationships.
Or maybe my self-identification as a natural loner is a defense mechanism that allows me to rationalize avoiding activities that are far outside my comfort zone.
In Conclusion, What Have I Learned?
At the outset of this essay, I stated that my efforts to expand my social circle and improve the quality and quantity of my meaningful social relationships could best be described as a “limited” success.
However, I failed to prospectively define a metric that I could use to measure the success of my efforts. Reasonable metrics might include the number of:
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- My social encounters per unit of time
- People I could invite over for dinner
- People I could call if I had a serious problem and needed advice.
In the 18 months since I have retired, I have formed some new male friendships, and these new relationships would not have occurred in the absence of my efforts.
While I have yet to significantly impact my meaningful social relationships, I have made a tiny bit of progress.
So, maybe, I should recognize that my effort is more than a “limited” success. Maybe it is as much success as one could reasonably expect after 18 months of effort.
So I should stay the course.
I now know that I will be more successful in expanding my social circle if I can force myself to engage in events that are outside of my comfort zone.
I also now understand that there is a particular type of person I want to engage with; people who are empathetic, well educated, accomplished, and curious about the world. These are people who I can learn from and want as my friends.
Thus, my path forward needs a slight course correction.
Finally, I must internalize the reality that this journey toward friendships cannot be rushed, it will take time and will be a two-step process.
First, I must expand my social circle. Only then can I hope to increase the quality and quantity of my meaningful social relationships.
Bowing to reality, I must moderate my expectations.
And maybe, just maybe, I am a “natural loner” who does not feel lonely when left alone, but nevertheless enjoys the company of interesting people.
Hayward Zwerling
7 August 2024
11/4/2024 Addendum
I have come to realize that I am now interacting with several people on a regular basis who I did not know prior to my retirement. So, maybe, I am seeing a return on all my efforts to expand my social circle. TBD
8/8/2024 Addendum
I very much appreciate receiving comments from readers which bring to the fore errors of fact, logic, omission, and literary sloppiness. This enables me to revise my essays and make my argument more convincingly. Today I made some minor revision in response to my reader’s (Rob, Calder) comments and some new ideas the occurred to me during this morning’s ride.