Upon retiring, I began researching what I should do so as to ensure I had a “good” retirement. Ultimately, my research led to the creation of my evidence-based curriculum, Designing Your Retirement: A Path to a Happy, Healthy, and Fulfilling Retirement, (freely available as a PDF and video.)
The research taught me that strong social relationships correlated with having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling retirement. I then chose to prioritize activities that I hoped would strengthen my social relationships – as shown in this image from my syllabus:
One of my activities was the creation of a monthly, retired, men’s brunch group.
- In March 2023 I created my REMBrunch group, Retired Elderly Men’s Brunch group, as men tend to loose a disproportionate number of friends upon retiring.
- In September 2024, with the help of the MIT Club of Boston, I created my ReeBrunch group, retiRees Brunch, which is a coed group of MIT alumni.
- Given the interest generated by the ReeBrunch group, in April 2024, I created the ReeBrunch, Too group.
As a result of my experiences in creating and managing these brunch groups, it is now obvious to me that there are many other retired individuals who are interested in having more meaningful communication with other retirees but have not yet found a way to do so.
Insights Learned from Managing a Brunch for Retirees
1. Carefully Curate Membership
The success of a brunch group depends largely on its members, and inviting the wrong individuals can disrupt the group dynamic. While there is no formula for selecting the right participants, I firmly believe that only the group’s manager/organizer should have the authority to extend invitations to new members and the discretion to ask individuals to leave if necessary. Fortunately, group membership is rarely a contentious issue, and it is my experience that the members will gladly defer membership issues to the group leader.
The policy of delegating membership decisions to the group leader helps minimize potential conflicts, ensure new members understand and agree with the group’s purpose and “rules,” and fosters a supportive, cohesive community.
It took me 12 to 18 months of carefully curating the REMBrunch group before a strong sense of camaraderie began to develop. Today, the longstanding members genuinely look forward to each gathering, reinforcing the value of thoughtful membership curation.
2. Expect Membership to Evolve
Over time, some members will stop attending—either gradually or abruptly—due to personal commitments, shifting priorities, or loss of interest. This should be expected. Others may participate sporadically, attending only occasionally.
Consider informing prospective members that if they determine the ReeBrunch group does not meet their expectations, needs, or their ability to attend regularly, they should withdraw as soon as possible.
As the group’s manager, you should anticipate and adapt to these changes while ensuring the group remains composed of only individuals who are genuinely committed to its core purpose.
3. Clearly Define the Purpose of the Group
A well-defined purpose sets expectations, fosters alignment, and helps prevent conflict. I have explicitly told the members of my ReeBrunch group that our purpose is:
“To explore ideas, share life experiences, and discuss personal quandaries, drawing on the rich perspectives of all attendees, in the hope that the group gels into something more than a mere assemblage of acquaintances.”
By articulating this mission upfront, members understand the group’s intent and what they can expect from participating. This shared understanding strengthens group cohesion, encourages deeper engagement, and ensures that discussions remain aligned with our collective goals.
4. Manage Group Size Strategically
Determining the optimum size of a group is a balancing act: the total number of group members must be large enough to ensure a quorum at every meeting, but not so large that it becomes hard for everyone to hear and participate in the conversation.
Minimum Total Group Membership
For my REMBrunch group, I initially set the quorum at 3, as I often had difficulty getting more than 3 members to attend meetings.
For the ReeBrunch group, I set the quorum at 4, fearing that fewer attendees might find a conversation among strangers awkward and thus discourage their future participation.
Maximum Total Group Membership
Having too many people at a brunch could dilute the quality of conversation. For example, in a noisy café, members seated at the far ends of the table might struggle to hear one another, or a conversation at the end of the table might become independent of the conversation at the opposite end of the table.
Optimum Total Group Membership
With these limitations in mind, the ideal number of attendees at a brunch which takes place in a noisy café, is probably 6 people, but I have found that 8 people can be accommodated if I secure the “right” table.
Since not everyone will attend every brunch and I want to reliably have 4-6 attendees at each brunch, I aim to maintain a group size of 6-9 members.
If I notice that a member’s attendance is tapering off, I will then consider adding another member to the group.
5. Maintain a Single Conversation Among Attendees
When the brunch is taking place in a noisy café and attendance is high, some have suggested splitting the brunch group into two smaller discussion groups. I believe this would be an error.
My primary goal in creating these brunch groups is to foster meaningful relationships and build a strong sense of community, which is best achieved through a unified discussion. As the group leader, I strive to guide the group into a single conversation, ensure that everyone has the opportunity to participate.
6. Encourage Commitment Without Mandating Attendance
While strict attendance rules are impractical and unnecessary, regular participation is crucial for building deeper connections. When inviting new members to join the group, I make it clear that they are expected to attend at least half of the sessions.
If a member’s attendance becomes so infrequent that their participation is essentially limited to casual, acquaintance-level interactions, I might ask them to step aside to make room for someone more committed to the group’s purpose.
7. Setting Guidelines for Topics of Discussion
Once or twice, prior to a group meeting, I had either emailed group members and suggested they bring a topic for conversation or sent them articles that I thought might stimulate conversation at the subsequent meeting. Neither attempt successfully generated a topic of discussion.
I now let the conversation evolve organically but try to keep a backup topic in mind in case the discussion stalls.
During one session, someone began talking about political events and another member interrupted, stating we should not talk about politics and redirected the conversation away from the nascent political discussion. At the time, I did not react, but I later decided to send an email to all group members reminding them of my goals for the group:
Dear MIT Alum ReeBrunchies,
As the organizer for our ReeBrunch group, I hope I have coherently explained my vision for our monthly meetings, which, again, is “to explore ideas, share life experiences, and discuss personal quandaries, drawing on the rich perspectives of all attendees,” in the hope that this group gels into something more than a mere assemblage of MIT alumni.
I have another monthly brunch group, my REMBrunch group (Retired Elderly Male) which has been meeting for almost 2 years. Over that time, we have lost some members due to competing obligations/priorities/interests and relocations, and I have serially added new members. We now have seven (mostly) committed members, which assures a quorum (3) for at least 9-10 monthly meetings a year. In the last few months my REMBrunch group has started to gel – everyone enjoys our sessions, the conversation moves quickly, and members have begun to ask the group “what should I do…“ for this problem/situation. I attribute the current success of this REMBrunch group to my active and ongoing “curation” of the group’s membership.
Among other things, membership curation requires balancing two competing priorities. As nobody will be able to attend every Reebrunch session, we need a total group membership that is large enough to guarantee a quorum (4) at every ReeBrunch session but also ensure we have no more than 6-7 attendees at each session, as a larger group will make it impossible for people at the far ends of the table to hear the conversation. (There should only be one conversation and everyone has the option to engage.)
As a result of my REMBrunch experience, please leave the “membership” issue to me so I can try to move us toward the afore-mentioned vision of our group.
If someone is interested in joining our ReeBrunch group, tell them I am in charge of “membership” and they should email me directly (as XXX recently did) and I will figure out if/when/who to invite into our group. Of course, this is not an exact science, but I will do what I think is best for the group. I hope you understand.
At this week’s meeting we briefly talked “politics,” and there was some disagreement about whether the topic should be disallowed.
Personally, I can’t imagine avoiding discussing “politics” as it impacts directly on my world and the future of my kids and grandchild. So, I want to learn what my closest and smartest friends think about the political world, as I find those conversations help me better understand our world.
As the “organizer” of this ReeBrunch group, unless the majority of the group feels otherwise, “politics” will not be a banned topic of conversation. If you disagree with this decision, please email me.
I know I really need not say this, nevertheless, everyone must remain respectful of dissenting political opinions.
Finally, on a fun note, Gail and I will be attending Central Square Theater’s play S P A C E on February 5 at 7:30 PM. If anybody is interested in joining us for the play and drinks at a nearby bar before or after, please email me.
Looking forward to seeing you again …
I believe the group organizer should have final authority on discussion boundaries but should strive to build a consensus that aligns with the group’s purpose. And should a member appear to contravene the group’s purpose and rules, then the situation should be promptly addressed by the group organizer.
8. End Brunch on Time
I consistently end our brunches at the appointed time, much to the amusement of some members. I believe this is necessary so attendees never hesitate to attend for fear the brunch might run late and interfere with their other scheduled events.
9. Choosing a Venue, Day, Time for Your Brunch
In choosing a venue, choose a venue, date, time that will make it easy:
- Is there parking?
- Is there public transportation?
- Avoid rush-hour traffic.
- Avoid Monday and Fridays, as people often take a “long weekend.”
- Avoid busy times like noon and weekends.
- Choose a café where you can reliably get a table or ask the manager to reserve a table for your group.
For these reasons, I schedule my brunches on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday from 10-11 AM. I arrive 30 minutes early to secure a table. And, of course, encourage everyone to buy something in the café!
When I first set up my all-male REMBrunch group, they were adamant about not meeting weekly, and I have not revisited the frequency of our meetings since. On the other hand, I have become aware that more than one member of my ReeBrunch group (at the time all women except for me) wants to meet more frequently. Maybe this is a gender thing—I am not certain.
Some people have suggested organizing a group activity instead of just meeting at a café to talk. Since I believe the best way to engender meaningful relationships is to have meaningful conversations, I have declined to replace the café meetings with group “extracurricular activities.” However, I have occasionally socialized with individual members and that has strengthened our relationships
Final Thoughts
While managing these groups requires effort, patience, and optimism, the rewards—meaningful relationships and the appreciation of the attendees— far exceed the effort.
I encourage you to create your own, local retirees’ brunch. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me.
Good luck!
Hayward Zwerling
4 February 2025
Addendum of 3/3/2025: Minor editorial and content revisions
Addendum of 2/15/2025: Revised section “Setting Guidelines for Topics of Discussion” and “Choosing a Venue, Day, Time for Your Brunch”